Hey! I might not blog tonight so I decided to make a short post, since I said, I was going to try to write everyday.

My mom use to always tell me these little corny jokes, that she heard from who knows where. :) So, here it is.

Okay... how do you make your napkin dance???

You put a little boogie in it! Hee hee! LOL I know you've probably heard it, but oh well, I think it's funny!

Love, Ashley

Hey there! I'm back. I don't really know what to write tonight. I'm going to try to continue with my life story, but it's kinda hard. Some I can't remember, some is just too sad. But I will try.

Okay, well the drama with my mom and Cathy continued on for a long time. The drama just kept coming from all different angles. Over the next couple of years there were fights between everyone, my mom and Cathy of course, my sister (Nicole) and cathy, and by the time I was 12 between myself and Cathy. I guess you could say I was (or I became) a pretty tough cookie! LOL, I know I'm corney! We were homeless for a while, so we were all staying in one little tiny hotel room. Nicole was even staying there at one point. Cathy was pregnant about to have the baby. Life was a complete mess.

So, right before the baby (my little brother Connor) was born, we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment, in the straight ghetto! So now I was in the 6th grade and I refused to go to school, my life was hectic to say the least. My dad would call the police and they would take me to school in handcuffs everytime I wouldn't go to class on my own. (I know, what a brat! I'm so sorry Dad!!!) It was my fifth school and I was only in 6th grade.

by the time I'm 13 Things at home were still bad, there's a new baby, an annoying little 7 year old boy, whom I had to share a room with. My fighting with Cathy became worse, we would get into fist fights all the time, I'd give it my all, but it usually came down to to her sitting on top of my till I was to tired to fight anymore, or my dad breaking it up.

Next, It was my fist year of middle school (7th grade) wow! I went to school, I had lots of friends. I was popular, and school was good, but life at home wasn't so great. This was about the time I really learned about drugs. I knew that my parents did them, and I started to become a little bit of a wild child myself...(not really though)
around this time my mom (Verna) and my sister had moved up to Oregon. They were doing good for a while, but eventually wanted to move back to the wonderful Bay Area! Big mistake!

So, by the time I was 14 life at home was just too much for me to handle. There was a big fight, cops were called. They thought it would be best if I moved. So I did. I went to live with my Aunt Tammy, who was my moms sister. She used drugs too. I was still in the ghetto, but at least it was peaceful there. (kinda) I lived there with my two cousins. Amanda (same age as me) and Russell who is a couple years older than me. (He's in a federal prison in oklahoma right now, and he also shot my dad, but that's not why he's in prison! That's a whole different blog! LOL) I lived there for about a year and During that year I experimented with alcohol and weed. I continued to smoke weed on and off for the next couple of years till I had a bad trip (yes on weed LOL! again, another blog!)

I moved out of my aunt's house when my grandma died. My dad and Cathy moved into my grandma's house and that's when I moved back with them. My grandma left us all a lot of money! Okay, I think I'm going to stop here for tonight...I'm soooo tired, I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense LOL...SORRY!

I do want to write about one more thing though...If anyone can help me with this I would really appreciate it! Okay, like I was saying, my grandma left us all this money right...well, it was my dad's mom. my dad has 2 sisters, and one of them has a son. My aunt without a son, was the executer of the will. My grandma left her money to be divide into 4 shares as follows; one for my dad (john) one for each of his sisters, and the last share to be divided by the 3 grandkids (she didn't include my little brother, but eventually my dad had him added into it). It was somewhere around 1 million dollars. So my dad and his sister each got 250,000 and the we were supposed to get like 55,000 or something right. Well, my grandma said we weren't to get the money until we turned 35!!!!!! Except for school, health, or our well-being. My aunt ended up giving my sister 25,000 of hers. She gave Cathy about 6,000 of my brothers, and when I was 18 I got 18,000. WELL, remember when there was a drop in the stock market or whatever a few years ago??? My aunt had invested our money into it and told us that all of it was gone and that is was her choice and it was legal! Does anyone know, if there is anything I can do about this to get the rest of my money???

Again, thank you to everyone for all your wonderful words and support!
Especially "Tryin Not To Come Undone" Love ya!!!

Goodnight! Love Always, Ashley

Hello bloggers! Tonight I'm just going to try continuing on from where I left off on my kinda crazy, sort of chaotic, a little bit hectic, not so normal life.

Here we go...Okay the more I was thinking about It I realized I was a little older than 9, because my little brother is now 9 and Im 22. Well, how ever old I was it was still young.

I had a lot of trouble adjusting to living with my dad and his mistress. I hated her. I blamed her for braking up my family. I had trouble in school, I never wanted to go! Not to mention that my dad had lost his job (he gave a dirty test, they wanted him to go to rehab. he refused) This was all actually happening during the time of the affair. My dads retirement money went fast, and by now we were pretty much broke. I went from living a nice life, to living in the ghetto with a my dad, his mistress, her son, and my soon to be illegitimate little brother (who I love dearly) So life was crazy at this point. My sister was living with my mom, partying drinking, doing drugs, and having sex. (both of them, and even together when she got a little older) (the drugs, not the sex...LOL!)

I guess I was just too young to realize what was really happening to my mom. She was really going crazy. She ended up losing her house, she moved in with Jeff, who was Cathy's (the mistress) ex-boyfriend ( Yes, this is a true story! They did a little switch. However, my mom was not happy about the situation, she still wanted my dad! My mom would do crazy things, she would come over to our house and try to fight Cathy. Cathy is a big lady! She's like 5'9 at least and probably weighed about 200 something. My mom was like 5'2 and had carpal tunnel in both arms, not really able to fight much. That didn't stop her though, she was a real life mad woman at times! My dad broke her heart, and according to her ruined her life, and somewhere in the process she misplaced her sanity! She felt she had nothing more to live for. This my friends, was only the beginning. I'll continue on from here tomorrow...

Okay, don't get me wrong...even after my dad left my mom, we did have good times. My mom never did get over my dad and a few years later she did eventually die, from what I believe to be a broken heart. But she was great mom, and I love her dearly and miss her so much everyday. I do wish she was here to share in the mess that I call my life. (the mom I knew from before my dad left, to the mom I met after he left was like night and day) I do not blame her one bit for the choices she made nor do I hold it against her. She gave up on life. She was just not as strong a person as some people, and was not able to get her life back in order after the only man she ever knew and loved left her. I can understand it to a point, I just wish we could have helped her more, no one really knew how serious the problem was, even though we should have!

Did anyone see the Dr. Phil and Robin first wives club??? That one hit very close to home, my mom was 100 times worse than all those ladies. Very sad show, very emotional. I tried to get on the dr.phil website but for some reason I couldn't.

hmmm...hope to hear from all my blogger friends...I really feel like I know you guys. I want to say thank you to everyone for all your comments. You guys really help me out, and are my inspiration to tell my story!

Love Always, Ashley

Hey, hey, hey! I don't even know what I'm going to write about tonight. I'm thinking...hmmm...

Well, I guess I'm going to just write more about my life and growing up.

As a very little kid, I remember being happy. My early childhood is filled with many happy times, and happy memories. Life was great. My dad worked for the shell oil company for 20 years. My mom owned her own business. We had a big house, with a pool. A dog, A cat,we were all healthy and happy. We had everything you could want...At least so I thought. I can't exactly remember how old I was when I learned about drugs and what they do to your life and your family. I do know I was very young!

When I was about 9 years old my whole life changed. I remember walking home from school with my cousin Stephanie, like any other normal day, doing homework and watching tv. Then my dad came home. He was drunk (he never drank) he and my mom started arguing, I just remember my mom saying, "are you having an affair?" and then my dad saying, "yeah." my mom asked with who, and my dad told her Cathy. Cathy was my dads friends girlfriend! We all knew her, and we didn't exactly care for her too much. She was strange, she dressed all crazy and was really wild looking! At least that's what I remember thinking at age 9. So anyways, my mom went crazy...they started fighting, and my dad ended up going to jail for the night or whatever. After that my dad moved out. HE got a place with Cathy and her son. My parents had been married for 20 years. My dad was my moms first. They were high school sweethearts. I remember my mom begging my dad to come back home, but he never did! That is when my whole life changed.

So anyways, I wanted to live with my mom of course and so did my sister. I wanted nothing to do with my dad and that situation at the time. Shortly after my dad left, my mom forced me to move with my dad. She made him take me! She told him she couldn't handle it. Of course my dad always wanted me to live with him, and was hurt that I didn't want to. I would cry all the time, wanting my mom. I hated living with my dad's mistress. Right away she became pregnant. SHe ended up having a miscarriage, but then got pregnant again, with what would become my little brother.

As an adult I know that my dad does drugs, and he knows that I know. It's not a secret. We have talked about it openly. My dad told me that he's done drugs his whole life. He started when he was a teenager. If you knew my dad and my family at the time all this was going on, you would have no idea that he used drugs! He was like the perfect dad!

Okay, for the people who may be reading this that don't know much about this drug or any drugs, like most drugs it can be done in many ways. I guess when I was growing up my dad didn't do as often, and he use to snort it. Then he started smoking it, which is worse...it makes you more "tweaked out" if you will. Then there are people who shoot it. Those people are straight weirdos! (he never did that)
I know there are probably many people thinking badly of my dad now because he uses drugs, but the truth is...he is a great dad. He has always been there for me no matter what! He would do anything for me, my sister or my brother. He loves his kids period. Yeah, I wish he didn't do them because it's not healthy, but other than that he is completely normal to me. If you met him, you wouldn't know he was on drugs. He has a good job, he lives in a nice area, he is a great person! Who knows, maybe someone you know is on drugs and you don't even know?!?!

Well, I don't know what else to add at the moment except that...life changes, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, no matter who loves you, no matter who doesn't love you, you are always you, you can't change that, love yourself!

I'll write more later, but right now, I'm a scatter brain!

Love Always, Ashley

Hello everyone! I am going to switch gears with my blog. Instead of writing about my drama of the day, I'm going to start writing more about my life and my life experiences. I'm going to start with this poem, Matt sent it to me from prison, if you know anyone who is addicted to meth you know how true this is and if you don't know much about the drug, let this be a warning!!! I have never seen so many homes, families, and life's torn apart by such an evil drug! I don't know who wrote this poem.

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you, in schools and in town
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I livedown the street and maybe next door
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think
I can be made under a kitchen sink
In your child's closet, and even the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome, try me and you'll see,
but if you do, you may never break free
just try me once and I might let you go,
but try me twice, and I'll own your soul
when I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
you do what you have to do- just to get high
the crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms,
will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms
you'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad,
when you see their tears, you should feel sad
but you'll forget morals and how you were raised
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends
I'll take everything away from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always, right by your side
you'll give up everything, your family, your home,
your friends, your money, then you'll be alone
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live

If you try me be warned, this is no game
If given a chance, I'll drive you insane
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine
the nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
the voices you'll hear from inside your head
the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me
but then it's too late and you'll know in your heart,
that you are mine, and we shall not part
you'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
but you came to me, not I to you
you knew this would happen, many times you were told
but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold
you could have said no, and just walked away,
if you could live that day over again, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you'll be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave
now that you have met me, what will you do?
will you try me or not? It's all up to you
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
come take my hand, let me lead you to hell

there it is. It's so true. Meth can destroy lives and families, it did mine!

PLEASE say NO to DRUGS!!!

Love, Ashley