Hey everyone! Today, I've been thinking a lot about my mom. I was playing some some songs that remind me of her. So of course I've been crying and missing my mom. Sometimes I just feel like I need to listen to these songs, have a good cry and just miss my mom.

My mom use to always tell me that she was going to die and of course I thought she was crazy. She would always tell my sister and I, that she wanted us to play The Ballad of Curtis Lowe at her funeral... I use to always just tell her mom, "shut up, you are not going to die" Then she would get all emotional and say you're going to miss me when I'm gone, just like I miss my mom. Then you'll understand. Her mom died when I was about 7. Her mother was only 52 at the time she died. She died from cirrhosis of the liver. My mom was only 46 when she died. She also died of cirrhosis. This is why I worry so much about my sister! She drinks a lot and she's only 26. She worries me a lot. It scares me that she doesn't even care to stop drinking. It almost seems like a senseless death. It could have been prevented. That's one of the sadest things that I think about. I could still have my mom if she would have just got the right help!

Well, I know I can't change that now. But I couldn't take loosing my sister too. It would kill me. I can only pray that she will decide to stop and get herself some help.

My mother died on September 10th 2003 The day of my mother's funeral was the day that her mother died. I believe it was Sept. 17th I moved to Las Vegas on Sept 16th 2004, and the next day my Aunt Tammy who is my mom's sister died on Sept 17th, also of Cirrhosis. My birthday is on the 26th of Sept and that's usually a hard time for me, my cousin Jessica who was killed in the car accident died on Sept 28th 2 days after I turned 18. Well, I guess September isn't a very good month for my family.

Well, anyways...back to the day of my mom's funeral. My sister and I decided to play the song Freebird, by lynyrd Sknyrd She had bought a brand new cd and when we went to play it, it would not play! It just kept on skipping! I feel like it was my mom saying, "I told you what song I wanted you to play!!! So in the end we did. But the song freebird reminds me so much of my mom. I think the song is really about a guy and his girlfriend, but when I listen to it I think of it as my mom singing to me.

Freebird -- by Lynyrd Skynyrd

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change

The Ballad of Curtis Lowe -- By Lynyrd Skynyrd

well I used to wake the mornin
befor the rooster crowed
searchin for soda bottles to get my self some dough
brought em down to the corner
down to the country store
cash em in and give my money to a man named Curtis Lowe
old Curt was a black man with white curly hair
when he had a fifth of wine he didnot have a care
he used to own and old dobro used to play across his knee
I'd give old Curt my money he play all day for me

(chours)
play me a song Curtis Lowe Curtis Lowe
well I got your drinkin money tune up your dobro
people said he was useless them people all were fools
cuz Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues

he looked to be 60 maybe I was 10
momma used to whoop me
but I'd go see him again
I'd clap my hands, stomp my feet tryin to keep in time
well he'd play me a song or 2 then take another drink of wine

(chours)
play me a song Curtis Lowe Curtis Lowe
well I got your drinkin money tune up your dobro
people said he was useless but them people all were fools
cuz Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues

on the day old Curtis died nobody came to pray
old preacher said some words
they chucked him in the clay
well he lived a lifetime playin the black mans blues
and on the day he lost his life thats all he had to lose

(chours)
play me a song Curtie Lowe Curtis Lowe
I wish that you was here so everyone would know
people said he was useless but them people all were fools
cuz Curtis your finest picker to ever play the blues

Last but not least, my mom loved this song, it reminded her of my dad. It is a good way to uinderstand what happened to my family, at least to me! Great song!

The Picture -- By Kid Rock featuring Sheryl Crow

Livin my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sunshine
In three damn days
Been fuelin'up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her

Sheryl Crow:

I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they won't tell
But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin' just ain't right
I've been waitin' on you for a long time
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

Together:

I saw you yesterday with an old friend (Sheryl Crow)
It was the same old same how've you been? (Kid Rock)
Since you've been gone my worlds been dark and grey (Together)
You reminded me of brighter days (Kid Rock)
I hoped you were comin' home to stay (Sheryl Crow)
I was headed to church (Sheryl Crow)
I was off to drink you away (Kid Rock)

Together:

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you, come back home

I love you and miss you mom...this is for you!

Love Always, Ashley

Hey everyone! I know it's been a while...Sorry! (like anyone cares) LOL

hmmm...what to write about today. I'm guess I'm going to write about what's going on in my life as of right now. Things here have been going pretty well. Everyone has been getting along! Everyone has been being a lot nicer to Matthew, which makes me very happy...I'm not worried about anyone being nice to me. I am big girl and can take whatever is dished out! I let them know how I felt about her hitting Matthew, and how I felt about hitting kids period. I think it really helped. That and me cleaning my ass off, picking up after everyone, and not even giving them a chance to make a freakin mess! I am kind of a neat freak anyways, I think it drives me more crazy to let the house stay messy than it does to clean like a maniac. I actually enjoy cleaning and organizing ( I know I'm weird! ) I think it was just the principal that I was going for, not the actual cleaning itself.

Even though things here are going well, I still find myself being so stressed out! I don't even know why. I've been trying to be very optimistic about things lately, but today I had a breakdown! I was just crying and I don't even know what exactly about. The truth is, my life is a complete mess! and what's worse is that I have no idea how to fix it!

Yes, I know I have a wonderful son who I love so much, and I am very thankful for that, but I am LOST! I have no job, no friends (in Las Vegas) no family (in Las Vegas) no car (that runs) no boyfriend (that isn't in prison) not the best health, mental or otherwise (im a hypochondriac) I mean it's really starting to look pathetic!

What's a girl to do? I feel like a lost little girl trapped in the body of an adult, lost in a big city...with no where to go, and no one to help!

I don't even know why I'm writing this shit, I almost feel to embarrassed to post this, and usually I don't care what I write about...I'm just that type of person who normally doesn't care what other people think. Well, anyways...here it is!

Love Always, Ashley

Hey everyone, I'm back! I'm feeling a lot better today! I was really sick yesterday...I guess it must have been 24 hour flu or something, didn't eat too much today though...my stomach wasn't too sure I was better. That's good cause I might have over done it!

Anyways, my question I want to ask today is...do you spank your kids? This was one topic that came up today, and I was the only one defending not to spank!?!? My monster in-law...as you may know...feels that kids need to be hit. My cousin and his girlfriend were here too and she is pregnant with their first kid, they told me that they are going to spank. I found myself having to defend my beliefs as well as my own son. It was kinda like everyone telling me I need to hit my kid!?!?

Okay now this is just my opinion but, I don't feel that hitting my son is going to teach him something is wrong. During this argument I brought up Dr. Phil (LOL) I love him! And I think he is pretty wise when it comes to parenting! Of course everyone put him down as if they were better parents. (one son in prison, one son living on the streets and on drugs, others not yet parents) Monster in-law always says, I use to beat my kids ass! Does this not give them a clue that it may not be very effective??? I mean don't get me wrong I think it's okay to smack their hands but I just don't see myself hitting a 2 year old, who doesn't exactly understand how to be 100% well behaved and proper.(Let my just give you an example...I take Matthew down the street to play with the neighbor kids, he cries when I take him home and make him go in the house, She thinks I should hit him for crying and I don't think I should!) I brought this point up saying well, Matthew is only 2 years old and I think he may be the most well-behaved kid I know ( I'm not just saying that because he's my kid!) He says please and thank you, as well as your welcome and he even say excuse me when he burps! He also says I'm sorry if he accidentally knocks something over or even thinks he did something wrong!

So anyways...I think I've rambled on long enough to get to my point! LOL...I know that a lot of you on here are parents...so...DO YOU HIT YOUR KIDS? Even if you aren't a parent do you think people should hit their kids??? And if so, is it really effective???

Just as I am finishing this, the news comes on, and it's about a guy who was hit his kids with a belt. ( he's in jail )

Oh, and I am happy to say...I finally got Matthew potty trained!!! He's still a little iffy on the whole pooping on the potty, but he's getting there!!! :)

Well, HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!! Hope to hear from you all...

Love Always, Ashley

well, everyone I am so so so sooooooooooo sick. I won't be writing. If I feel better tomorrow I'll be back!

Love, Ashley

This is a letter to my Dad.

Dear Dad,
I just got off the phone with you, I talked to you twice today. We talked for a long time. I love talking to you, I miss you so much! This is the first time in my life that I can't just hop in my car and come right over to see you, or call you up because I need your help with something, and you run right over. Being this far away from you is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I love you dad!
When I talked to you earlier you told my that you are going to quit using drugs. I am so happy for you, and I know you can do it!
I think it's a really good idea, because I want you to stay around a lot longer. I want you to walk me down the aisle someday, I want to spend holidays, and regular days together. I want you to play catch with Matthew and tell him your great ghost stories! My time with mom was cut short and I don't want to lose you. I can't. I would never be okay without you. I need you dad! I want Matthew to get a chance to know you, and know what a great person his papa is! He loves you already, after all you did take care of him for a good part of his life and I can't thank you enough for that!
Dad I just want to take this time to tell you how I feel about you. I love you more than anything. You are a great father, and a great person! I couldn't have asked for a better dad, flaws in all! I am a better person because of you! You are my inspiration, I look to you for support and advice as well as guidance and knowledge. To me, you are the smartest man alive, my Dad, my hero!
I honestly want you to know what a great job you did as a parent. You have always been there for me, no questions asked. You've always supported my choices and decisions. You took care of me when I was sick. You've given me money, when you didn't even have enough money for yourself, You raised my son when I was broken, you loved me when I wasn't very loveable and you never asked for anything in return. You are such a caring, thoughtful, generous, and selfless person! You have taught me a great deal about life and what is important.
I also want you to know that I do not judge you for the things you do. Nor do I judge you for the things that happened in the past. I know that you've felt bad or guilty about some of the choices you've made that may have affected our lives (mine, Nicole's and connors) but, you have to know that all is forgiven. I love you and there is nothing in the world you could do that would ever change that! So please, don't let facing a hard reality stop you from getting clean! Once you get a little taste of being sobber, and get over all the "coming down" you'll be so happy, you may even wish you would have done it sooner!
Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone makes bad choices. I know that you've walked down a rough road a lot of your life. I know you, and I know what a strong person you are and it's never too late to change.
Well dad, I could go on all night...but I'm really tired, I think I better go to sleep. I love you with all my heart, and I will be praying for God to give you the strength that you need! I hope that you do come down here around Christmas like you said, we miss you and can't wait to see you!!!

Love always your daughter Ashley