It's seems that some of you are confused with what I wrote in my last post. "the boyfriend" is NOT MY BOYFRIEND! He is Colleen's boyfriend. My boyfriend's mother's boyfriend. Thanks for the advice, but I'm not stupid...I take care of my son, He is the only reason, I put up with what I do. I don't live for my boyfriend.

Ashley

Hey bloggers!

Okay, now I know I'm not perfect and I'm not really trying to get my blog back on the subject of my dramas here at the in laws house...BUT...

Today I had a long conversation with "the boyfriend" it was mostly friendly, but I just wanted to share some of the conversation, and maybe get some comments and opinions back!

It started off by me telling him that I want to start going to church. I told him that the reason I want to go is to get my relationship with god on the right track, and that I feel that this will help me to get my life in order...

He told me that I don't need to go to church...I need to get a job!

LoL, yes I know I need to get a job! But something that you guys don't know about me is my medical issues. I have had pretty bad anxiety on and off since I was a teenager. It has stopped me from doing a lot things in my life, and is the main reason I am still living here in Las Vegas. I have tried many different medications, none of which have helped. My anxiety attacks are the main reason I do not have a job right now. It was so bad I wouldn't even leave the house at one point. I still get like that if I'm around too many people at once, I just get way too overwhelmed, I start feeling like I can't focus and when it's really bad, I start feeling like I'm going to throw up, or I can't breathe. I don't expect anyone who has never experienced this to understand, but it is a real problem!

OKay so back to the conversation. He told me that, it's nothing personal against me. He just doesn't want matthew and I living here, he just wants it to be him, Colleen and his son Ryan. He said, that I should have a job and I should have my own place, and that I should have moved out by now. Okay true, I guess.

I told him that I don't feelthey have the right to judge me for what I'm doing at this point in my life, because they weren't doing anything better when they were my age, his defense was...well, so what that doesn't matter... you live here in her house, and don't you think you should have moved out by now? Well,I guess so...but if she wanted me to move out in a certain amount of time shouldn't she have said that??? She's never talked about it with me, she's never told me to get a job, the only thing she's ever said, was that she just wants me to keep the house clean. Colleen came home while we were talking and she asked him what we were talking about, he said, "I was just telling Ashley how I feel about her and Matthew living here" She had a look on her face like she wasn't very happy with him. Then he went in the bedroom to change his cloths and she asked me what were talking about. I told her that I wanted to start going to church, she was like, wow I think that's a good idea. I told her that Ryan said, "I don't need to go to church I need to get a job" she was pissed! She was all, what an asshole...whispering stuff like just not to listen to him, he's rude kinda shit.

So anyways, sorry to keep going back and forth...I know this isn't very well written, so bare with me if you can!
I asked him, "okay, what exactly do you think I should do...say starting Monday morning?" He said, "I think you should get dressed up, get Matthew dressed, go catch the bus...and start applying for jobs" I'm thinking are you F****** serious??? Does anyone agree that I should take my 2 year old with me to look for a job??? Cause to me that is along the lines of impossible!

I already feel pathetic enough that I don't have a job at 22 but it's not that I'm just lazy and don't want to work, it's not that at all!

I did bring up the fact that I'm raising my kid, and that I try my best to be a good parent He didn't disagree with me about that one bit! He even said, that I was a REALLY good mom, which makes me happy to hear from anyone, but even more so from someone who may look down on me concerning the rest of my life, because if he were to acknowledge anything about me, I would much prefer it be that I am a good mother, because my baby is my life, and comes first before money or anything in my life. I love him soooo much!

I do want to get a job, and move out on my own, but without a car it's just isn't going to work. Is that wrong to think I need a car first??? I mean seriously...where should I start???

I need some serious help!!!

Goodnight and God bless,
Love Always, Ashley

Hey everyone! What's going on out here in blog land? Nothing much for me. Haven't wrote in a few days...just haven't had much to say, or least nothing anyone would care to read about. Still don't really, but I just decided to write about what's going on with me.

Ummm...I've been trying to get a hold of my cousin Jack, he owes my $100 and ever since I left him a message saying I need it for Christmas shopping for Matthew he's M.I.A!!! He gets paid today, so I'm gonna be on the hunt!

Uhhh...I think I told everyone about the book crosses across our nation...right? Well, anyways...they finished it!My cousin Jessica's road side memorial is in it. I think it talks a little about her and what happened. They sent her mom a copy and she's going to bring it over today, so I can see it. I will try to copy it onto here somehow. It has a picture of her and her cross and stuff. It's pretty exciting for us, we've been waiting for about a year for the book to be done.

what else??? Oh yesterday this lady called me from this program called Angel Tree... They work with men in women who are in prison, they try to help keep the lines of communication open between the prisoners and their children. So I guess Matt must have got picked to participate. He got to pick out a couple of things he would like Matthew to get for Christmas and they buy it for him, and bring it over and tell him it's from his daddy. It's been really hard on Matthew, he really misses his daddy. They were really close. He tells me everyday... I miss my daddy, I want him come back now, and I love my daddy! It's sad because he doesn't understand why he's gone, and I sure don't know how to even begin trying explain it to him.

Well damn, I think that's it! What a boring life.

Talk to ya'll later...

Love, Ashley

Hey everyone! Two posts in one day...oh my! hmm...where do I start... I watch a lot of tv and I was just thinking about some of the shows I like, and there are tons! (I know, get a life right!?!?) Anyways...some of them I can really relate to, some remind me a lot of my life and my family. So I thought it would be fun to pick 3 shows that sum up my life, as best as possible and if anyone wants they can pick 3 and share them! (you don't have to)

Okay lets see here...

#1 Roseanne-- LOL...They just seem like a real family, with real problems. Roseanne really reminds me of my mom!

#2 Reba-- The dad has an affair, gets his mistress pregnant, teenage daughter has a baby, alcoholism, mom being annoyed by mistress all the time, but eventually getting along well enough to function semi-normal (this did happen in my family too, I'll have to continue more with my life story soon)

#3 Intervention-- LoL... before they intervene, and get help!!! I think I know at least one person who has the problem I've seen on each episode! Sad but true!

Well, sad enough...I think that could explain some of my life...

LoL... If anyone else wants to share...Please do...I think it would be interesting and help see where others are coming from....maybe?

Love Always, Ashley

Hey everyone! It's been a few days, but I just haven't had much to write about.

I got some disappointing news a couple days ago. I thought Matt was going to be getting out of prison sometime this summer but, he got a release date of 1-1-07 that's a long time. I guess it could be worse, he could max out and due his whole sentence of 3 years 4 months. He is going to be staying in San Quentin for a while. He is main lined now, which means he could get a job in there and get his time down to about 35% and then he could get out a lot sooner than 1-1-07 It just scares me though to think he is in there with a bunch of murders, like Scott Peterson, that sick bastard! I think he is in San Quentin, but I'm not sure. There was a riot a while back and one of Matt's "friends" got his face cut open from ear to mouth! That place is no joke. I just hope it doesn't change him too much. Unfortunantly I know many people who have been in prison, and I know first hand that there is a good possibility he won't come out the same person!

Hmmm...So anyways, on a brighter note my cousin Jack who I was going to be moving in with got an apartment and decided to have his girlfriends 18 year old cousin move in with them instead of Matthew and I, Even though they still have an extra room...go figure huh...I really shouldn't have expected much more from them. When I was still living in California my dad lost our house and I had no where to go for a while. I had to sleep in my car a few times with Matthew. Jack and his girlfriend said, I couldn't stay with them. They told me they would come pick up Matthew, but I couldn't come. I had to quit my job because I didn't have anyone to watch Matthew, which made everything worse. I didn't even know where they lived, because they were scared I was going to come over and start shit because Matt would always go over there and "party" with them and a bunch of little bag chasing bitches. (needless to say I use to be quite the little fighter, and his girlfriend was scared of me) She has done some really shady things to me in the past, but when they moved out here, We all got along pretty well. I have grown up a lot since then, but apparently they haven't!?!? I don't know what it is...they are just really shifty characters and I'm going to just avoid them for now. I didn't really want to live with them that much anyway. They are really starting to piss me off and they don't want to do that!( they owe my $100 and they keep acting like they don't have it. Matt and Jack are suppose to be like brothers, but I know they are 2 faced. I know they still talk about me behind my back. Trust me, we have been through so much drama, you'd be surprised we even speak to one another! I mean really crazy shit...I've got into a fist fight with Jack!!! (don't worry he's not very tough, I've got into a fist fight with his girlfriends mom, and he even pulled a gun on me and my dad, because my dad was going to kick his ass for saying he was going to kick my ass! LOL! We have a very crazy family. If you think that's bad... you haven't even heard half the things I've seen! I lived in the projects for a while, and man there are some stories I could tell about things you only see in the movies! (someone was shot and killed 10 feet away from my front door!true story, different blog!) Damn, just thinking about that drama makes me tired!

Let's see what else is going on with me... I went and did some Christmas shopping last night. Got Matthew a few things for now. I'm not done though...Got him a big wheel thing that lights up and makes noises, Thomas the train game for his v-smile, a batman toy, a Noah's ark thing with a bunch of little people and animals(it's really cute) and a Dora the explorer book and video LOL he loves Dora and boots! I don't know what else I'm going to get him.

After Christmas I'm going to try to get a job being a cocktail waitress for a while, ya! walking around wearing next to nothing...cocktails...cocktails... they make really good tips though and I live close enough to walk to work if I have to! Ummm...what else...I won $100 at the Palace Station playing $1 wheel-a-fortune I love that game! I learned how to make fudge...and it turned out really good! Then I made dinner for everyone. Living here is going very well, we are all getting along better than we ever have before, so I'm happy about that! I think that's it for now...

Try not to judge me too much after reading all my dramas...

Goodnight, and god bless...

Love Always, Ashley