Hey everyone...it's been way too long! So much has been going on in my life, I don't know where to start.

Let's see, I'm still seeing a bunch of doctors to find out what's going on with me. Yeah, I know it's really crazy that I still don't know. What I do know is that the lump behind my ear is either a cyst or a tumor. I am going to be having surgery on the 3rd of July to have it removed and checked.

I haven't been writing or talking to Matt. I've met a new guy and I don't know what to do. I feel so bad, but I have to live my life right? Life keeps going, it's really not an option. I didn't mean for this to happen, but what can I do? This new guy isn't my boyfriend, but he has definitely taught me that I deserve to be treated well. I have been in a relationship for the past five years with a guy who has done nothing but abuse me both emotionally and physically. HE has cheated on me more times than I can count or even know of. Matt was my everything. HE was my first love, he was my first, and now he is the father of my child, but does that mean he has to be given another chance when he honestly probably doesn't deserve one? I know deep down that this new guy and I probably will never be together. he is going to be leaving to go to school in a few months. It's such a strange situation. We have only known each other for a short period of time but, I have learned something so valuable from him that no one else has been able to teach me. He will probably never what a difference he has made in my life. HE has showed me that nice guys really are out there. I would have never given him the time of day a couple years ago, hell probably even a couple months ago. With learning what I have learned from him, I will say to everyone. Give that guy or girl a chance. The one that may not be your type, or the one that's just a little too nice. It has been a very eye opening experience.

Well, I'm going to go for now. If anyone has any thoughts or advice, I would love to hear it!

I miss all my blog family! Lucy, Colo, Scratch and everyone else!!!

God Bless...

Love Always, Ashley

Does anyone have a myspace??? If you do let me know...I'm on there all the time!

The only thing I want in this world is to be good person. More importantly I want to be a good mother.

I think about my life and I think about my mother. I know she loved me, but she had to of known that she was dying. She had to have known she wasn't healthy. Being a mother myself I know how much I love my son. My biggest fear is dying, and leaving my son in this cold world without a mom. No one loves a child like their mother! So I think how could my mother intentionally kill her self with alcohol, knowing she'd be leaving her kids in this world without a mother? I was 19 when my mom died. I was an adult, but I still needed her! Sometimes I get mad at her, but I will never hold it against her. I still need her, and she's gone. I think about all the things she will miss. My wedding, her grandkids, birthdays, all the holidays, just regular days that we should be sharing just spending time together.

When I see all the kids in foster care and children who are abused, it just makes me sick! I will never understand how a parent could not love their child! That just drives me crazy.

I've lost my touch with this whole blogging thang. I don't know what to write. It's just not coming out right.

Oh well, that's okay I guess. After all I'm not trying to be a writer, just a good mother!

This is what life is all about...

Hey everyone! Just thought this would be fun, let me know your score ok!?!? I got an 18 and I did not cheat... I promise!!!

>
>This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be
>more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us
>really see!
>
>There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about
>all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple
>questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how little we
>pay attention to the commonplace things of life.
>
>Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting
>out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
>
>
>Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as you go.
>
>Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the questions.
>
>
>REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your
>phone or anything on your desk...
>
>
>Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the
>subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends
>and also back to the one who sent it to you.
>
>
>
>LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
>
>
>
>1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
>
>
>2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't
>know)
>
>
>3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
>
>
>4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
>
>
>5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
>
>
>6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
>(Don't you dare get up to see!)
>
>
>7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
>
>
>8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
>
>
>9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
>
>
>10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
>
>
>11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
>
>
>12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
>
>
>13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
>
>
>14. Which way do fans rotate?
>
>
>15 How many sides does a stop sign have?
>
>
>16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
>
>
>17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
>
>
>18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
>
>
>19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
>
>
>20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
>
>
>21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
>
>
>22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
>opening between the slats?
>
>
>23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
>digits?
>
>
>24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
>
>
>25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>ANSWERS
>
>1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
>BOTTOM
>
>2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't
>know) 50
>
>3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT
>
>4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE,
>RED, WHITE, YELLOW, BLACK & GOLD
>
>5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
>1, 0
>
>6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
>RIGHT
>
>7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20
>
>8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? RED
>
>9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88
>
>10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
> CLOCKWISE (NORTH OF THE EQUATOR)
>
>11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
> TOWARDS BOTTOM RIGHT
>
>12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)
>
>13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT
>
>14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT
>
>15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8
>
>16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? LEFT
>
>17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5
>
>18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6
>
>19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing? BASHFUL
>
>20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8
>
>21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF SPADES
>
>22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
>opening between the slats? LEFT
>
>23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
>digits? *, #
>
>24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3
>
>25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER
>
>
>Now send it to some of your friends and put your score in the subject
>box!!!

Love Always, Ashley

Hey everyone, I'm sorry I'm such a flake. I know I said I was going to write the next day and didn't...so much has been going on lately, my life is just kinda crazy at the moment! LoL...moment yea right! So I'm going to do 2 posts today to try to catch everyone up on what's been going on.

Fist of all I don't know if any of you remember me telling you about my aunt who owes me my inheritance money or not, but anyway... I talked to her once or twice over the holidays (she got in contact with me) and I have been stressin out as usual and I decided to e-mail her to ask her for a little life advice basically. Next I'm going to post my letter and the I'm going to post her response. So here it is.

Hi Aunt Susan--
Well, I guess I should start by telling you that my head and chest x-ray's came back normal. Last time I talked to you I was on my way to have those done. The doctors still don't know what's wrong with me though...My white blood cell count is still high.

You know when Nicole told me that you sent her a card I was really happy that you actually wanted to see how we were doing and even get in touch with us. I know there has been a lot of issues and drama in the past. Ever since I turned 18 and became an "adult" my life has been so hard and complicated. There have been many times I wished I had someone like you I could turn to for help and advice, and I don't mean just for money.

I have taken so many wrong turns in my life I don't even know where to begin to fix it. Things are awful for me out here in Vegas. It's a long story, but trust me that things are not good here! I talk to my dad all the time, and I told him that I want to move back up there. He is not much help though. It's like he cares but at the same time he has to worry about his own life. I know I am an adult but, I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to come back to california so I can go back to school. Basically it's like this... I'm not working right now. I was working at Macy's and before I moved out here I had a pretty good job at Fry's in concord. I have no one to watch Matthew and I have no money to pay for child care. the welfare department doesn't pay for that here in Nevada. I don't have a car. I just don't even know where to start.

I don't even know what I'm really asking, maybe for some advice or maybe you could make some suggestions, help point me in the right direction. I know my situation is confusing cause I can't really write it so it's understandable. I could have explained it better in person or on the phone, but I just don't want you to think I only want money or anything like that, because that's just not true. You are probably the smartest person i know. You have always had a good job and a great life. I do know you have worked very hard to get the things you have. I just figured it couldn't hurt to write you. If you can't help me that's fine. I would still like to keep in touch because I am honestly happy to have some communication with you. I love you and hope to hear back from you soon... no matter what!

Love Always,
Ashley

Now her reponse :

Hi Ashley -

I'm very sorry you are having so many troubles. I'm going to try to write this in a way that doesn't sound harsh because I don't mean it to be harsh - just honest.

You are a woman and a mother. Your first responsibility, I am sure you know, is for your son. If that means you have to live where you don't like to live, work where you don't like to work and go to school at night - then being an adult means you do whatever it takes to work, put yourself through school if that will improve your situation so that you can get a better job - and sometimes it means putting up with a crappy arrangement in the meantime.

When I was 18 I lived in an apartment full of cockroaches and no hot water. I worked my butt off and didn't have a car that ran. My parents didn't help me out because they didn't like who I was married to. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do -- but I learned something. I had to figure it out, make it work and rely on myself. But once I did that, I knew I never had to ask anyone for help again.

I don't think sending money helps you. I kept giving your Dad money and I think I made it worse because he always just thought "Susan will help me out if I need it" - and I always did. It let him continue with drugs and continue to not take responsibility for his life.

I will always be happy to talk to you and try to give you advice if it helps.I really do care about you.

I'm really sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear Love, Aunt Susan

Okay now for those of you who don't know the whole story. My grandma left me money when she died, my aunt was the executer of her will and was responsible for handling the money well she told me that she invested my money and lost everything when the stock market dropped a few years back. So I never got my money as well as my sister and brother.

Any thoughts, opinions, advice or LAWYERS???

Love Always, Ashley