Hmmm...I don't know how to start this one. I've been thinking about some of the things I write. I want to make sure people don't think I'm trying to act like I'm perfect, or I'm such a great person. Beacuse I am so far from perfect!!! I guess the thing is that I've changed so much in the last year.

Well, as you may know, I had my son Matthew when I was only 19. Well, 6 months later my mom died! I went kinda crazy. I lost myself. I couldn't take care of Matthew. (well, didn't is more like it!) for about the next 3 months my dad took care of him 24/7 I was going out with friends, drinking,and just being crazy! Everyone talked shit about me. They all said what a terrible person I was, and that I was an awful mother, and a bitch, and so selfish, and many other things. Well, I didn't care what they said. I didn't change.

I was so stupid! I was out chasing Matt around (Matthew's dad) He was out doing drugs, stealing cars, being a loser! I was so crazy! I was such a mean, selfish girl! I couldn't even take care of my own kid! I think that, I was kinda thinking...well, if he doesn't have to be there all the time why should I???

So anyways...we decided that we needed to move away! To get away from the drugs (I NEVER did drugs) and the friends, basically everyone and everything we knew! AND IT WORKED!!! We both changed so much. I look back at that time in my life and wonder how I could have ever acted like that to my baby! I can't even begin to explain just how much I regret being that way! It was kinda like being a drug addict, but without an excuse...I can't blame my actions on drugs. It was me! In a way I am very thankful to Colleen...because when I see her, and the way she is to her kids...it makes me want to be a better person. It scares me to think that I could have become that person!

Well, now I guess I should explain why Matt is in prison, if everything worked out so well huh. Matt was on probation in California for stealing a car and having drugs. His probation carried a 3 year 4 month suspended sentence, which means that if he violated his probation... he could be sentenced to that amount of time, no matter what the crime was! Well, leaving California was a big violation! So anyways, One day on his way to work (yes he had a job and was clean for almost a year) he got pulled over for a traffic violation, and his warrents from cali came up. They flew him back to california, and he got the 3 years!!!

Ok, I know this story is running on and getting boring. I guess my point is that people can change! If they want to!!! Sometimes they do need a little push, or sometimes they need to just make a clean break, and get the hell away from everything they know! Who knows, maybe I'm full of shit, and don't know what the hell I'm talking about! LOL! I'm going to bed!

Love, Ashley

OK-- let's see here. If you know my story and you know my drama...let me ask you if you think this is a little karma...?

Well, yesterday I was sitting in my room having a conversation with the 10 year old. HE tells me that his dad and Colleen have been talking about me. Of course I asked what they were saying! HE tells me that they said, they want me and Matthew to leave, and they wished I would have left with my dad when he came out here. They said, I was a freak cause I wouldn't get on the air plane, and They also said, that I just sit around on my ass all day and do nothing, and I'm lazy, the boyfriend said that bitch (meaning me) should be giving matt money (the jail bird) not his mom...blah blah blah...

Well, I take care of my son 24 hours a day, with no help from anyone! I don't have a freakin car right now...what the hell do they expect me to do? I can't even get a damn ride to my doctors appointments!

Ok, just a little background. Besides not raising her kids, and basically throwing them to the wolves... she was a drug addict, drug dealer, who couldn't care less about her kids, she didn't have a job or get clean until she was 42! yes, 42! and she feels the right to speak on me??? Behind my back at that. I have never done drugs, and I take care of my kid! If she ever told me that she didn't want me here, I would leave! I would go to a homeless shelter if I had to. Ok, and the boyfriend is 31 and has only been clean for a year, and only has a job because she co-signed for a lone to put him through school. Which she won't do for either of her sons...??? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Do they have the right to talk shit about me??? They were obviously far from perfect, for far longer than I've even been alive. So what's up with that???

Anyways, after all the bitch and complaining about me and thinking they are so much better than me because they have a job, and they have money today, the boyfriend lost his wallet, with $700.00 in it!!!

KARMA??? You tell me what you think about the whole situation...PLEASE!!!!

Love, Ashley

I am finally feeling better. I lost 6 pounds in 2 days. hmmm... what else? I got a letter from Matt today. I'm always happy to get a letter from him. He writes me almost everyday. I write about once or twice a week. (maybe)

I talked to Leslie today. She was in good spirits. She is trying to work things out with nick. (kids dad) they are so crazy. I don't even know if it a good thing or not. I've never seen a couple fight so much in my life. She is really tough and crazy. (we got into a fight before we were friends) I love her. She's been there for me whenever I need. She is always willing to hop on a plane to see me if I need her. We are very much alike. We were even pregnant together. She has the cutest little girl named cali. She is very smart. smartest kid, I think I've ever met. She could sing here whole abc's at barely 2. She could talk before she was even 1 walked about 9 months. She sings and dances. She is special. I think she is going to be famous someday. You have to see her!

I haven't talked to my sister in a couple weeks. I am so worried about her. She left her husband and kids. She is an alcoholic. She does meth. and I think she is going to end up drinking herself to death. My mom died at 46 so did her sister. They didn't even drink as much as her! I don't know what to do. I wish I could help her. We haven't seen each other in over a year. I miss her.

Well, I don't know what else to write for now... I think my blog is starting to suck!

Let's see here. I think I'm going to change my blog up a little bit. I'm going to just try to make it more like a what's going on in my life with friends and family. Instead of focusing on all the things that make my life so terrible.

Well, yesterday I talked to my best friend Leslie (she lives in cali) I hadn't talked to her in a few days. turns out she was in jail! She is so crazy. She saw Matt while she was in there. said he looks different.

My cousin Stephen called me today. He has baby mamma drama! He thinks she cheats on him. I don't know if he's crazy or not...she's a little whore, so he's probably right. I guess she was trying to kick him out. He wants to move out here, but I think he's afraid to leave her. He's kinda crazy in love that way. Personally, I think he should come out here, tons of jobs and stuff, and it is a lot cheaper here too.

My cousin Jack and his girlfriend Nina (who I use to hate) moved out here a few weeks ago.

(continued from yesterday)

Today I am sick, and so is Matthew. It sucks. We both have the flu!
It was still a pretty good day though. Jack came over. Nina is in cali, her cousin is having brain surgery, she is only 13! SO SAD! Matthew and I are going to be getting a house out here with Jack and Nina! I am so happy, and so are they. They love Matthew, and are so good to him.

Well, Im bored. I'm sitting here watching sex and the city. I guess im gonna go for now. I promise to write more.

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote. Just to let anyone who may interested know...all is well with me at the moment. I've just been making some plans and trying to make some better arrangements for myself and Matthew. You know trying to get me life together. Nothing that anyone would be interested in. Seems like if it's not bad news or drama, no one cares. I see shouldn't have been so naive to think that people on the internet really give a shit. I've been keeping up with my favorite blogs, I see some people who use to like my blog...no longer find me very interesting. That's fine. I can remove people from my favorite blogs as well.