MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!! Love, Ashley

Hey bloggers! It's been a while! I have been doing some thinking...I was trying to decide if I should stop blogging or not. It just doesn't seem like anyone really reads, and I just as well spend time with Matthew instead of being on the computer. I still haven't decided!

I have been going through some scary stuff this past week. On friday Matthew and I were very sick. We both had 102 fevers, sore throats, and so sick I could barley move, with no help trying to take care of Matthew, it was so hard! A real test.

So, as you may or may not know, I had this little lump behind my ear. I just went to see my doctor again because it hasn't gone away. She ordered for me to have blood test done that same day, which was Monday. She scheduled for me to come back 1-3-06 but today someone from her office called me and left a message saying I needed to call her office before 8. I called and the told me first of all I need to just pick up some antibiotics. Second, they need me to have my blood drawn again because my tests were elevated, my white bloods cell count was 14 and It should be 12 The third thing she told me was that I need to go into the main hospital a.s.a.p. and have a chest and head x-ray! So I am very afraid! I don't have a clue what any of this means, but I know it can't be good. If anyone knows I would love to hear because I am stressin'! On the bright side, she told me that I don't have HIV or Hepititas C so that's good.

Hope to hear from any of you soon, PLEASE!

Love Always, Ashley

hey everyone! Hope you guys didn't take my last post the wrong way. It just seemed like someone thought I out my boyfriend before my son and that is just so off base.

I'm stressed out and worried today. I don't know if you guys have heard about the guy on death row in California. Well, he is in the same prison as Matt. I heard on the news that they are afraid there are going to be a bunch of riots after they kill him. That scares me! I talked to Matt today and he said they are going to be on lock down for the next 3 days. Hopefully that will keep everyone safe!

Well, not much else to write about at the moment. talk to ya later!

Love always, Ashley

It's seems that some of you are confused with what I wrote in my last post. "the boyfriend" is NOT MY BOYFRIEND! He is Colleen's boyfriend. My boyfriend's mother's boyfriend. Thanks for the advice, but I'm not stupid...I take care of my son, He is the only reason, I put up with what I do. I don't live for my boyfriend.

Ashley

Hey bloggers!

Okay, now I know I'm not perfect and I'm not really trying to get my blog back on the subject of my dramas here at the in laws house...BUT...

Today I had a long conversation with "the boyfriend" it was mostly friendly, but I just wanted to share some of the conversation, and maybe get some comments and opinions back!

It started off by me telling him that I want to start going to church. I told him that the reason I want to go is to get my relationship with god on the right track, and that I feel that this will help me to get my life in order...

He told me that I don't need to go to church...I need to get a job!

LoL, yes I know I need to get a job! But something that you guys don't know about me is my medical issues. I have had pretty bad anxiety on and off since I was a teenager. It has stopped me from doing a lot things in my life, and is the main reason I am still living here in Las Vegas. I have tried many different medications, none of which have helped. My anxiety attacks are the main reason I do not have a job right now. It was so bad I wouldn't even leave the house at one point. I still get like that if I'm around too many people at once, I just get way too overwhelmed, I start feeling like I can't focus and when it's really bad, I start feeling like I'm going to throw up, or I can't breathe. I don't expect anyone who has never experienced this to understand, but it is a real problem!

OKay so back to the conversation. He told me that, it's nothing personal against me. He just doesn't want matthew and I living here, he just wants it to be him, Colleen and his son Ryan. He said, that I should have a job and I should have my own place, and that I should have moved out by now. Okay true, I guess.

I told him that I don't feelthey have the right to judge me for what I'm doing at this point in my life, because they weren't doing anything better when they were my age, his defense was...well, so what that doesn't matter... you live here in her house, and don't you think you should have moved out by now? Well,I guess so...but if she wanted me to move out in a certain amount of time shouldn't she have said that??? She's never talked about it with me, she's never told me to get a job, the only thing she's ever said, was that she just wants me to keep the house clean. Colleen came home while we were talking and she asked him what we were talking about, he said, "I was just telling Ashley how I feel about her and Matthew living here" She had a look on her face like she wasn't very happy with him. Then he went in the bedroom to change his cloths and she asked me what were talking about. I told her that I wanted to start going to church, she was like, wow I think that's a good idea. I told her that Ryan said, "I don't need to go to church I need to get a job" she was pissed! She was all, what an asshole...whispering stuff like just not to listen to him, he's rude kinda shit.

So anyways, sorry to keep going back and forth...I know this isn't very well written, so bare with me if you can!
I asked him, "okay, what exactly do you think I should do...say starting Monday morning?" He said, "I think you should get dressed up, get Matthew dressed, go catch the bus...and start applying for jobs" I'm thinking are you F****** serious??? Does anyone agree that I should take my 2 year old with me to look for a job??? Cause to me that is along the lines of impossible!

I already feel pathetic enough that I don't have a job at 22 but it's not that I'm just lazy and don't want to work, it's not that at all!

I did bring up the fact that I'm raising my kid, and that I try my best to be a good parent He didn't disagree with me about that one bit! He even said, that I was a REALLY good mom, which makes me happy to hear from anyone, but even more so from someone who may look down on me concerning the rest of my life, because if he were to acknowledge anything about me, I would much prefer it be that I am a good mother, because my baby is my life, and comes first before money or anything in my life. I love him soooo much!

I do want to get a job, and move out on my own, but without a car it's just isn't going to work. Is that wrong to think I need a car first??? I mean seriously...where should I start???

I need some serious help!!!

Goodnight and God bless,
Love Always, Ashley