I am too tired to write a whole blog tonight. I am up watching Grey's Anatomy right now. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! It is great. Best show that I've seen in a LONG time!!! Anyways, I must encourage anyone who is anything like me to watch this show! I'll write more tomorrow!

Love, Ashley

Ok, I'm back! I just got a comment that I just have to say something about. I am so pissed off. I am so not a selfish person who only thinks about myself, and It disturbed me to have someone write such a rude thing, hey don't get me wrong...I never said I wasn't rude!!! I sure did have something to write back, and I guess I can't blame him...He is from the bay area! And San Fran at that, so I can see that he more than likely has something stuck up his ass!!! Hee hee!
(no offense to anyone, Im not a homophobic)

I, I, I, will write more tomorrow!

Love, Ashley Ashley Ashley LOL!

Ok, today I have to start by saying thank you, to everyone who has left me comments! They are really nice and I appreciate them all!

Last night, when I was getting ready to ge to bad, I was putting my hair up and I felt this strange lump behind my left ear. It's not on my ear, it's on my head, but behind my ear. (everyone I talked to on the phone was confused!) I have no idea what it is. I've had everyone that I've seen today look at it and check it out. No one knows what it is! I have a doctors appointment on Friday. But if you know what it could be, PLEASE let me know!!! I am so scared! I hope it's nothing bad. I am such a hypochondriac! right away I start thinking, it's cancer, and I'm going to die! PLEASE GOD DON'T LET IT BE CANCER!!! I have been praying. I can't even imagine what would happen to my poor baby if something happened to me. He would be soooo tramatized. It would kill me to leave him. I would never be able to go peacefully not knowing that my son would be taken care of. I'm really the only thing he has, atleast the only thing he knows. We can't even spend one night apart now. He went with my cousin Jack tonight, over to their house, and they said, as soon as he got there he told them I want to go home, I want my Mommy! I'm crying right now, just imagining every morning when he wakes up...how would he react to me not being there??? me not making his breakfast, and putting on his toonies, and getting him his juicy!!! It kills me to think of all of the things I would miss in his life, and that he's too young to even remember me! Who would be there to tell him about his mommy, and how much she loves him, and how the only thing that matters to me if my life is taking care of him, and being there to see him grow up, to graduate, go off to college, get married, have babies and a family of his own. I want to be there! I will feel so cheated, If I can't be a part of all that! No matter what...I have to live!!! I don't know what else to write at the moment. I am going to bed, to say my prayers...PLEASE GOD LET ME BE OKAY!!!

Love, Ashley

Hmmm...I don't know how to start this one. I've been thinking about some of the things I write. I want to make sure people don't think I'm trying to act like I'm perfect, or I'm such a great person. Beacuse I am so far from perfect!!! I guess the thing is that I've changed so much in the last year.

Well, as you may know, I had my son Matthew when I was only 19. Well, 6 months later my mom died! I went kinda crazy. I lost myself. I couldn't take care of Matthew. (well, didn't is more like it!) for about the next 3 months my dad took care of him 24/7 I was going out with friends, drinking,and just being crazy! Everyone talked shit about me. They all said what a terrible person I was, and that I was an awful mother, and a bitch, and so selfish, and many other things. Well, I didn't care what they said. I didn't change.

I was so stupid! I was out chasing Matt around (Matthew's dad) He was out doing drugs, stealing cars, being a loser! I was so crazy! I was such a mean, selfish girl! I couldn't even take care of my own kid! I think that, I was kinda thinking...well, if he doesn't have to be there all the time why should I???

So anyways...we decided that we needed to move away! To get away from the drugs (I NEVER did drugs) and the friends, basically everyone and everything we knew! AND IT WORKED!!! We both changed so much. I look back at that time in my life and wonder how I could have ever acted like that to my baby! I can't even begin to explain just how much I regret being that way! It was kinda like being a drug addict, but without an excuse...I can't blame my actions on drugs. It was me! In a way I am very thankful to Colleen...because when I see her, and the way she is to her kids...it makes me want to be a better person. It scares me to think that I could have become that person!

Well, now I guess I should explain why Matt is in prison, if everything worked out so well huh. Matt was on probation in California for stealing a car and having drugs. His probation carried a 3 year 4 month suspended sentence, which means that if he violated his probation... he could be sentenced to that amount of time, no matter what the crime was! Well, leaving California was a big violation! So anyways, One day on his way to work (yes he had a job and was clean for almost a year) he got pulled over for a traffic violation, and his warrents from cali came up. They flew him back to california, and he got the 3 years!!!

Ok, I know this story is running on and getting boring. I guess my point is that people can change! If they want to!!! Sometimes they do need a little push, or sometimes they need to just make a clean break, and get the hell away from everything they know! Who knows, maybe I'm full of shit, and don't know what the hell I'm talking about! LOL! I'm going to bed!

Love, Ashley

OK-- let's see here. If you know my story and you know my drama...let me ask you if you think this is a little karma...?

Well, yesterday I was sitting in my room having a conversation with the 10 year old. HE tells me that his dad and Colleen have been talking about me. Of course I asked what they were saying! HE tells me that they said, they want me and Matthew to leave, and they wished I would have left with my dad when he came out here. They said, I was a freak cause I wouldn't get on the air plane, and They also said, that I just sit around on my ass all day and do nothing, and I'm lazy, the boyfriend said that bitch (meaning me) should be giving matt money (the jail bird) not his mom...blah blah blah...

Well, I take care of my son 24 hours a day, with no help from anyone! I don't have a freakin car right now...what the hell do they expect me to do? I can't even get a damn ride to my doctors appointments!

Ok, just a little background. Besides not raising her kids, and basically throwing them to the wolves... she was a drug addict, drug dealer, who couldn't care less about her kids, she didn't have a job or get clean until she was 42! yes, 42! and she feels the right to speak on me??? Behind my back at that. I have never done drugs, and I take care of my kid! If she ever told me that she didn't want me here, I would leave! I would go to a homeless shelter if I had to. Ok, and the boyfriend is 31 and has only been clean for a year, and only has a job because she co-signed for a lone to put him through school. Which she won't do for either of her sons...??? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Do they have the right to talk shit about me??? They were obviously far from perfect, for far longer than I've even been alive. So what's up with that???

Anyways, after all the bitch and complaining about me and thinking they are so much better than me because they have a job, and they have money today, the boyfriend lost his wallet, with $700.00 in it!!!

KARMA??? You tell me what you think about the whole situation...PLEASE!!!!

Love, Ashley

I am finally feeling better. I lost 6 pounds in 2 days. hmmm... what else? I got a letter from Matt today. I'm always happy to get a letter from him. He writes me almost everyday. I write about once or twice a week. (maybe)

I talked to Leslie today. She was in good spirits. She is trying to work things out with nick. (kids dad) they are so crazy. I don't even know if it a good thing or not. I've never seen a couple fight so much in my life. She is really tough and crazy. (we got into a fight before we were friends) I love her. She's been there for me whenever I need. She is always willing to hop on a plane to see me if I need her. We are very much alike. We were even pregnant together. She has the cutest little girl named cali. She is very smart. smartest kid, I think I've ever met. She could sing here whole abc's at barely 2. She could talk before she was even 1 walked about 9 months. She sings and dances. She is special. I think she is going to be famous someday. You have to see her!

I haven't talked to my sister in a couple weeks. I am so worried about her. She left her husband and kids. She is an alcoholic. She does meth. and I think she is going to end up drinking herself to death. My mom died at 46 so did her sister. They didn't even drink as much as her! I don't know what to do. I wish I could help her. We haven't seen each other in over a year. I miss her.

Well, I don't know what else to write for now... I think my blog is starting to suck!