So yeah, life changes...and yeah here I am. Im still Ashley. I need to think a little before I write anymore...be back soon.
Okay, im back.
If you've been keeping up then you know that my mother passed away a little over two years ago. When my mom died, it left a large whole in my heart. I have so many regrets. Her death was very unexpected. Yes, I knew she was an alcoholic, but I guess I just had no idea, that it was as bad as it was. I was only 19 at the time. Towards the end of my mothers life...it really wasn't much of a life at all. She didn't work and she didn't have many friends, she gave up on keeping up her appearance, she gave up on everything, she gave up on life!!!. I feel so bad. I would sometimes be mean to her. I wouldn't want to give her rides to the store, (to get beer) and she would cry like a little kid. Then I would kinda yell at her cause she would practically beg me. She'd tell me I could drop her of at the corner. (I'd be leaving to go home) She would ask me for a dollar, or for change, and I hated it, I was so mean, and it kills me to think about how I treated her. We did still have good times though...those are just things I regret...I might be making her sound worse than she was, and I don't want to do that.

My mom would always tell me that she was going to die. My sister and I would just say, "shut up mom, you're not going to die!" and then she'd always tell me, "your gonna miss me when I'm gone." Those words of my mother haunt me to this day.

I regret being so mean to her. I just wish there was something I could have done. Why didn't I ever try to get her help. Why didn't I try to make her stop drinking? Why? It just kills me. It makes me so mad that's she's gone. I still need her!!! Inside I still feel like a little 14 year old girl who needs her Mommy. I just can't be right.

I have to go...I can't breathe from the crying...

Ashley

Well, today I talked to my jail-bound boyfriend, yes jail not prison, well at least for a few days. He has to go back to court. So for now will be residing in the county jail. I was really happy to hear from him, just to know he is safe- that place is really scary! And Matthew got to talk to his Daddy, which was really sad.
HMM...what else? I talked to my dad today! I love my dad sooooo much and I miss him, he still lives in California, so we don't see him very much. Im really worried about my sister, he says she's off the hook! she is going to drink herself into an early grave! That scares me. tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to get some blood work done...I have been felling well for a while now, so they have to check everything out, you know cancer, heart disease all those things. It's scary to think about. My mom dies from drinking, dad uses drugs, sister does both, and me I don't do any...so am I the one who gets something terribly wrong with her? Is that how these things work? I sure hope not! I want to live a long time, so I can take of my son...I don't trust leaving such a major thing that is sooo important to me, up to anyone else! Well, anyways...wish me luck...I'll write some more later if I think of anything good!

Well, it's pretty late, and I'm pretty tired. I don't have any angry, confused, stressed, or depressing thoughts for you. So, I guess I'm going to have to sleep on it and get back to you in the morning! Goodnight bloggers... Ashley

Good afternoon people! Im just sitting here bored as ever. I'm trying to find a freakin car to buy, but there doesn't seem to be anything good for my limited spending amount! :) I need a car so I can go find a new job, after all Christmas will be here before we know it, and I have to have money! Well ,I don't really have much to say right now, I'm pretty boring today...not so full of rage I guess...Anyways, I just want to say, that putting my blogs on here has really helped me. There are really some great people out there, which I was completely haveing doubts about!!! Talk to you later, im sure i'll have something interesting to write about later.

Ashley

To anyone who's about to read this,let me tell you who Colleen is. She is the mother of the jail- bound baby's daddy in my earlier blogs. My son Matthew and I live with her. She asked us to move out here, her son Matt lived here too until he went to jail...okay enough...I think you get it.

Dear Colleen,
I'd like to start this letter by saying that I appreciate you letting us live here with you. I really do. I know that I have a lot of problems that are hard for you to understand, because you don't know me very well. I've been with your son for almost five years now, and I've lived here with you for about a year, and we do not even know one another. That's sad to me.
Ever since Ryan came back ( he is her boyfriend who did not live here when we moved to Vegas) I feel the tension and I feel us not being wanted here. I often don't know who it's coming from...you or him. Or am I just paranoid?
Anyways...I don't know how to put this... I hate the way you treat my son...your grandson. I bite my tongue all the time. I feel that it is not your place to hit my son. I do not like it and it needs to stop! It really pisses me off. I feel that you live by a double standard. You do not hit your stepson when he is bad...so why do you feel that it is okay to hit my baby? I know he can be a brat, but he is 2 years old, and he is your GRANDSON! your only one at that! You throw away his toys, you say he doesn't need anything when I want to buy him something, You never buy him ANYTHING, but everyone else seems to be getting new shit all the time. you yell and threatin him constantly...it seems like the only thing I ever hear you say to him is, " I'm gonna beat your ass", or " do you want me to spank you?" and to be I honest I hate it! It makes me so mad that I feel like, when we move from here, I don't ever want to talk to you ever again! I feel that Matthew doesn't need a grandma, if that's what he's going to get. I've never in my life seen a grandparent treat a grandkid this way, it's just wrong.
I feel that you put Ryan on a god-like pedistool. I feel that you put him before anything else in your life, you do have kids, even if they are grown, they have never been raised and they still need you. They need your guidance and support and they aren't getting it. I feel that you are afraid to be there for them, beacuse of what Ryan will think, or say. Maybe I just don't understand. I just can't imagine ever acting like that over a man. My children will always come first, whether they are 2 or 42 it doesn't matter to me. It just seems pathetic. it's like now my life is starting to revolve aroud what Ryan wants. You want me to do certain things because you dont want ryan to get mad, or don't say this in front of ryan. Im sure you think that it's not my place to be saying all this, but Im just saying some of the things that Matt and Cecil wont. If that is the way you want to live, that is your choice. If you want your world to revolve around him fine, I just think you should take a look from the outside, look at what you are losing in the long run... both of your children feel like you dont give a shit about them? Is that relatioship worth losing your sons? what about 10 years from now, you will be 60 and he will be 40...ever heard of a mid-life crisis? If you are not right by your children...I mean what else is there? Who do you think is going to take care of you when your old??? Seriously? I don't know what else to write. MAybe this sounds like a bunch of crap. I can't seem to word it right or say exactly what I feel. Im sure you don't even care how I feel.

ANYWAYS...people help me out...am I wrong? What do you think? HELP PLEASE!!!

Ashley